Grief and Faith...

Day 5

We would like to believe that everything in our life has a purpose. How can we use science and logic to prove such a thing? Maybe it isn't logic at all. Rather it is simply faith and optimism that everything has a purpose. It was for a purpose that we came to Guatemala when we did. We met these hospitable, generous, happy people at the time we did for a purpose. 

The story is that Brenda, the wife to Dr. Tito (the founder of La Mision), the mother to two sons, 15 and 10 years old, and the mother of La Mision, has a brain tumor. In our Animal Physiology class, we learned that the central nervous system is encased with a hard, compacted bone that doesn't give a lot of room for expansion. The brain is a dangerous place for a tumor. The more space a tumor takes up, the more it presses on other aspects of the brain causing seizures, mood swings, headaches, leaving no room for the brain itself. 

Brenda is the second mother to all of these Guatemalans we have grown to love in such a short time. Nino, Samuel, David, Carlos, Dr. Kenny, Dr. Allan, Alex, Little Kenny -- each of them look up to Brenda and Tito as second parents. Brenda is not doing well. Our team sees the sadness and despair creeping into the faces of our new Guatemalan family, and it pains us to see them hurting. It pains me to see a good fifteen-year-old boy watch his mother die. It pains me to see a great Guatemalan family struggle to lose someone they love so dearly, and I take in all my loved ones, one at a time, to appreciate them. So now, we prepare. The team prepares for a long journey ahead. We wait for that one call that is going to change it all for our companions, and potentially move us in a way we never knew before. We prepare ways to comfort them, and yet, nothing seems like enough to give them peace, except prayer.  I prayed a long prayer tonight with the group for what will be done in the lives of our Guatemalan brothers. 

"We are just looking for peace in a world that is so hard on us sometimes." I prayed for everyone's peace because at times that is all we have left when life throws us curve balls. Somehow, we have to believe that it is for a purpose. Brenda is dying. Brenda came into the lives of our brothers, and we came into the lives of our brothers in a difficult time in hopes of a purpose. Whatever God has planned for us, may his will be done. May he grant us the strength to do what we feel we cannot. May he grant us peace to accept the things we cannot change. May he grant us the comfort to believe that there is more to life than just dying. 

Tonight, we gathered and sang songs. We worshiped. We laughed. We shed a tears for Brenda and her family. We lifted a prayer in the hopes our service has a bigger impact beyond what we can see in the lives that we influence, including the power to comfort, the ethic to work diligently, and the strength to move mountains.

By faith, we hope to move those mountains. 

Amen.

Why am I here?

I had this thought today, as I work diligently alongside a Palencia school teacher with a small English vocabulary and yet, a very bright smile. Why am I here? No, not just my presence in the universe, but why am I in Guatemala? I'm doing work in another country that I'm sure plenty of teachers back home would have loved for me to do. Why am I here?

That question isn't meant to shed a dark light on this trip, but it is a question that a person might ask themselves in a moment. 'Why am I here?' I wish it was as simple an answer, but I know it is a question that admissions officers, employers, and testy elders ask. I wish it was as simple as an answer, so it is my test. Why have I chosen the path that I have? Why do I want to be in the medical field? Why am I stubborn, independent, and self conscious?

There are a lot of things about ourselves we never want to admit, whether it be knowing you're selfish, or high strung, or jealous. It begins by being honest with ourselves. It is about opening up the dark to bring in the light, and if that is the person you want to be, then so be it.  One volleyball game with Guatemalans tell me that happiness is in light. It is in love. It is in friendship. They laughed the entire game, and that is an understatement. They are so bubbly and giddy that it is contagious. They are happy. They are so laid back that it reminded me to not let dirty dishwater splashing on my shirt, or the inconvenience of a burnt out lightbulb, get in the way of my happiness. Point is, I forgot what it felt like to not let the little things get in my way of joy. 

*note to self: there is a difference between joy and happiness, which can be saved for later.*

Today, I've learned the most about Guatemalan culture: things like the belief in peaceful protests and the gradual growth of LGBT groups within the country. Most people would say they are religious, but atheism is out there. Guatemalans are very educated about US politics, especially the moving force of Trump. The schools here go straight from high school into a professional school, and the idea that an 18-

Chapin

year-old me would have had to decide and stick to a career at that age would have been absurd. We had the Guatemalan national dish called Chapin (pronounced cha-peen), which was a delicious concoction of fried plaintains, scrambled eggs, salsa, black beans, sour cream, and, naturally, tortillas. On top of them trying to make us fat, they gave us brownies with ice cream. 

The hospitality of this group is unimaginable. They go above and beyond to make us comfortable. They are gentlemanly and polite without "falling in love" as they say, and as I think back to Tanzanian hospitality, I realize everyone just tries to make everyone feel as comfortable as they can with what they can. There is nothing more you could ask for. 

Be happy and forget the rest.

Palencia - Insight from the roof

Day 2

Today, we went to a place called Palencia. Here, we will spend a week working alongside our teammates and La Mision family in building up an elementary school for Guatemala's first day of school next week. It has been a lot of cleaning, preparing, playing sports, and plenty of good conversation.

I'm finding that I bring up Tanzania a lot. While it might get annoying for my peers, I enjoy teaching others what else is out there to learn. All the while, I'm trying to learn as much Spanish and of the culture as possible. 

What I've learned so far, you might ask? We are a very sarcastic crew. Our Guatemalan counterparts are sarcastic. We are sarcastic, and we just fuel each other's fires. I've, also, learned that Guatemalans are very... very clean. The irony may be that the streets are not the most sanitary, but these people will sanitize the floors spic and span before they cook in the kitchen. 

*note to self: do not drink out of the plastic cups*

We haven't been able to explore yet. I'm at a constant reminder that I am in service first, and then a student of the country. Yet, the free spirit within me cries out to see the streets. My way to explore the streets of Guatemala, as of late, is to sit atop of roofs and write my journals. I get plenty of "gringos" and stares as I sit, but I pay no heed. It isn't any different than being called a mzungu in Tanzania. I just accept that I will stand out, and I am proud to stand out.


I am constantly reminded to have no expectations. I am learning much of how to be a servant of  
people and Christ, but doing it in a way that feels more genuine. There is always more to be done. Here, we are tucked behind walls to be kept safe. Here, I am servant before I am a student. I am having to be remind myself to stop worrying about the Organic Chemistry class I have to take and the hours of studying ahead of me next semester. I am having to work hard on meditating on myself and focus on the present. It seems so hard in our society to just sit in silence for 10 minutes, without checking into social media every few minutes. We are a society about noise rather than of self reflection and silence. So far, I have much to learn. 

Be open.

And now Guatemala...my attempt to be tri-lingual

Ready to move fast & travel light!

It is the beginning of another adventure. It is time to take on greener pastures, tropical paradises, and colorful havens. A group of 13 acquaintances embarking on a journey to the greener depths of Guatemala. Here, we will be tested and tried in our sociocultural abilities and expand our knowledge in medicine. It is a dream to travel to foreign lands in the heart of serving and helping others; however, if it is one thing I've learned from a prior Tanzanian adventure, it will be a lot of Guatemalans helping me.


You see, a loved one of mine told me right before leaving that this is an opportunity to reflect upon my life and myself.  Two years ago I came back from an uplifting experience, and I loved that carefree, adventurous, and independent woman I was upon returning. Yet, even now, I have found that it is easy to find oneself diving back into the same ole Western society. The world revolves around me in a term coined as "youniverse." One begins to become more stressed, busier, and more disconnected with inner peace. You move not with the wind, but with the crowd. That girl is there, she just needs a little encouragement, reminding, and coaxing sometimes.

Guatemala City

We made it to Guatemala City. A red eye flight will make you tired, but we are here. Ready. Excited. You can see it in the eyes of my companions. Driving through the city brings back those somewhat distant memories of Tanzania: the gated houses, the crumbling rubble, the potholes in the roads. They do have more here (They have a Little Ceasars Pizza if that gives a little perspective). However, WiFi is a little harder to find. I find some difficulty in my transition from Swahili into Spanish, but I know a lot more than I realize. It will be a wonderful journey in challenging my brain into a trifecta of languages. Just jump right in.

Check the news ... This is a VERY active volcano!

Culturally, everyone seems very happy. They are very humble and laid back. They know how to run a business despite the ignorance of USA's definition of poverty. The joke with Guatemalans is that, people from the U.S. cannot call themselves Americans without calling a Guatemalan American. They, too, are American, if you can wrap your mind around that idea.

This journey will be a more meditative experience. It is time to come back into my inner harmony. The journey has just begun, and if travel has taught me anything, expect nothing and take things in stride. It is the last Jan Term of my college career, and I intend to make the most of it.

Adventura esta en el mundo.

"Adventure is in the world."

A return to me?

Here I Am

Here I am.

I am Jacqueline Brennan coming from your small town USA and embracing a world that is different, yet not so different than my own. Over the course of the trip, I find myself asking what will happen when I get home?  How will people react to me and my adventures?  What will I say to them?  How do I explain everything in one simple email?  I can't even say that what I have for you now is sufficient. 

Life exposes the superficial and thoughtful ideas to those it controls. Some things need to be realized by an individual through their passion, while other things need to be realized through their faults.  Life takes our hands and drags us through thickets of deception and pulls us through mogs of our biggest fears...for what?  From a recent movie, I heard a cool quote, "I am glad people can't tell the future; otherwise, we would never get out of bed."  Life can be the childhood monster under your bed and hiding behind the door of your darkened closet. Those thickets and mogs become so overbearing and derailing at times, we just try to hold on tight to whatever strip of our own identities we have left in our possession. We become brave.  We become resilient.  We become the cliche version of ourselves.

I can sit here and explain what a life changing experience Tanzania was for me, and how much I gained from it, but I would hate to bore. Truthfully, upon arriving in the Amsterdam airport, I realized one thing, I become just another face in the crowd.  I am not saying this cynically, but the simple idea is that no one knows what I have learned and done in Tanzania, and no one really cares. The truth is, people want to hear, "It was a life changing experience, and I wouldn't trade it for the world." 

However, a short turn of events also made me realize that Tanzania has not left me with a constrained view of human nature. I witnessed our Dutch captain of our KLM flight come to my friend, Kristin, in the wee hours of the morning and presented her with a book.  It was book number 6 actually, for passengers to write their aspirations and wishes of their lives, and it carried the most valuable and priceless treasures that answer many of life's most daunting questions. The book revealed the human resilience, courage, and the significance of the various personal identities contained in the borders of the world. 

This was our chance to either embrace being another face in the crowd, or fight it.  Writing down these things in a book of dreams does not necessarily make us change this inevitability, but it does make our lessons learned seem more official because other people will be seeing them. It was fate that Kristin was randomly selected out of all the passengers to do this, and I witnessed it.  I began thinking about what my entry would've looked like.  Something like this:

"It is easy to let life scare you. People all over the world, rich or poor, big or small, young or old, continue to get up and press on with the day, believing that tomorrow has a better future. What are these people looking for?  That's easy...Happiness. Success is not defined by material wealth, or the quantity of relationships you have, or how many places you've been, but rather a new definition of success is by being truly honest with yourself about your personal happiness. 

In Tanzania, I experienced and witnessed many things, but one of them is that it is a place that carries dreams in the light of a Tanzanian eye. I have seen it. Whether you (but mostly I) have learned that a shampoo bottle can last longer than 4 months, a scrap of toilet paper can go a long way, a bucket of bathing water could be more than you asked for, and eating with your hands can save doing the dishes, you never want to take ANYTHING for granted. Tanzanians most certainly do not underestimate their faith (nor the will of God), and as a result, Tanzanians have an imploding faith that allows them to never stop dreaming and fighting for their happiness. They exemplify the human resilience in their daily life. They have more to teach America than for us Westerners to try to teach them.

In accordance, you realize the world and its dreams, including your own, get that much bigger (and sometimes even more confusing), so find your Africanness."

There is my tribute.  Truth is, I care about Tanzania and the love, the relationships, the views, and smiles it has so kindly offered to me. I am returning home carrying on my back life-created wings from the superficial and thoughtful lessons I have learned. My cliche version of myself is my better self, and honestly, it is up to you all to observe the mark and impression Tanzania has left on me. You all don't have to care about all these life lessons I have learned, but promise yourselves that you never take for granted all the places you will go in search of your happiness. 

Thank you all for reading up on my journey, and this won't be my last adventure. Study abroad trips ruin you with restlessness (in a good way of course) for something else exciting just around the corner.

I bid thee adieu. 

Sending my love from around the world.  I am home.

Jax

Give a man a fish....

IT'S THE FINAL COUNTDOWN! 

I am down to two days left of Tanzania. What am I going to do next you might ask? Well maybe I will save that for after I talk about what I have been doing.

To start off, I hiked Mount Kilimanjaro. Ok, I hiked AROUND Mount Kilimanjaro, but I will tell you that it was on the list of top prettiest hikes in the world, and let me tell you, they aren't kidding. Avocado trees, banana trees, and coffee plants lay all over the mountain side. It smells of a mixture of mbege (the local brew...amongst other moonshine) and fresh rain, and the sound of a ninety meter waterfall in the distance. Toucan and other bird singers flutter around during the day, while the big-eyed Bush baby crawlers of the night scurry under the sheet of darkness. Very few people were bustling around, and if they were, they were farmers tending to their crops just like my good old home range in America.

I can't say we lived the village life because truly we were spoiled, but we got to talk to a ninety-six year old Chagga woman about her life, explore the wonderful terrain, learn about the nature and history of a farm village, consume some organic Chagga coffee we ground ourselves (which we got to trend and coin the new dance move...the twanga, so much better than twerking), and dance the night away with some great company. We stayed there for five days and then off to Lushoto for three days.

We thought the good village of Shimbwe was beautiful, but Lushoto is something else. It is a small town tucked back into these tall mountains. The town itself is so high that their buildings touch the clouds half the time, and they themselves feel so much closer to God. We stayed at this beautiful lodge that lies on the top of these mountains. You looked out on this vast valley of fluffy white clouds, while another layer of clouds lay just above you to shade you from the sun. Our tropical arena was just short of heaven. 

At Lushoto, we got to hear from a few truly wonderful people, Steve, Susan, and Yona Vinton. Actually, if any of you know Josh Vinton at Whitworth, he is a great fellow and a very good friend of mine.  We had the chance to talk with his family about the work they have been doing in Africa and specifically, Tanzania, for over 20 years. They are the type of people that when you talk to them, you just want to be surrounded by them all the time. 

A little background about them is that Susan has been doing fantastic work with those with HIV in her area in Iringa, and she had recently opened a clinic with all her fellow villagers to cater to other villages to obtain ARVs and receive treatment of sorts. Truly, Susan's job is to make people feel valued by visiting those who are suffering and give these people hope by saying wonderful words of wisdom like, "these days are the best days to get HIV!" Essentially, every outcome is going to be great, you just have to have hope and keep living, and that is something to apply to every day life. 

Steve Vinton of Village Schools Tanzania

Steve is working with an NGO run by Tanzanians...mind you... called Village Schools Tanzania. This isn't a place where people come in and build schools all over Tanzania and leave. Schools that are desired in the area are organized by Village Schools, but are built by the hands that desire these schools. The administration of these schools are Tanzanian, the workers are Tanzanian, and the material they use is from Tanzania, and slowly but surely, an amazing thing starts to spark on the stone.

I will let you in on a little secret that even I had a hard time understanding at first. I don't know if you are ready for this America, but think back to all those times that you went on those two-week mission trips to another country and built a house and left. Recall all the times you gathered canned food to send off to these countries in poverty. Think back to all the pictures that companies show you of how low poverty can get in the world. You know, the more flies on the face the better. Those were great ideas weren't they? They sparked a fire in you to go help and serve others less fortunate. However, you haven't seen what all these things have done after the fact.  Those were great ideas weren't they? They sparked a fire in you to go help and serve others less fortunate. However, you haven't seen what all these things have done after the fact.

I haven't personally seen this, but Susan explained to us that even though people in her village sleep on the ground, or don't have a lot of money, they don't feel like they are in poverty because what they have been doing there is quite amazing. I don't know why I hadn't thought of it before. Let Tanzania and Africa build their own schools and hospitals. "But...but they need our help. They might build it wrong. They don't how to make it efficient without our western ideas." No,  think about what you're saying. What you're saying is "they can't do it."  If you do everything for your child, you're telling them they can't and don't have to do it themselves. What justice does that do to them? America has far too long babied Africa, when they are more than capable than people think to realize. We have to realize that maybe helping Africa is only for our own personal gain rather than truly helping those less fortunate.

This is the message that Susan and Steve try to get across to Tanzanians. They don't need anyone's help but the help of each other. Now, this isn't saying those canned foods you sent out, or that house you built was in vain, but it is important to think about what message we are truly getting across when we do these things. Everything just got even more confusing didn't it? Am I donating money to the right things? Am I turning people into beggars? Am I sending the message of self efficiency, or reliance? That is a matter of opinion. If any are interested in the Village Schools Tanzania and support their message, check them out at villageschools.org. You can volunteer teaching English or whatever your heart desires in Tanzania, which is a constant growing demand for all the people in Tanzania. It is a selective process, and with a bright outlook, I bet you won't come back the same person. 

It was all a good weekend spent listening to some really wise people. Lushoto had a lot of beauty to offer us, but that too came to an end. It was off to Dar es Salaam. We set out at eight in the morning, doing our best to beat the rain, simply because our bus had gotten stuck in the mud prior. Truly, throughout the three months we had been there, everything had gone according to plan, which is good, but too good. Our journey and race ahead was to beat the floods sent by God himself. Instead of getting to Dar at 4 in the afternoon, we got there at 4 in the morning the next day. We got caught in traffic outside a hardly acceptable version of a town and we were there for over twenty hours trying to wait out the floods that stood as our obstacle. Surprisingly enough, our group was the best group to get caught in a traffic jam with, simply because every day was an adventure and everyone took it that way. The best type of people to surround yourself with are the people that can take a 20-hour traffic jam and make it something good. I got to talk with some interesting characters from all over Africa. In Tanzania, there are no strangers. Once we were moving, we drove through the flood itself where the waters had swept away many small vehicles, houses, and sadly, people. It sounds very dangerous, I know, but all is well. A lot of plans changed that day, and it worked for the best.

Over the past few weeks, we have talked with the US embassy, the Peace Corps, ex-members of parliament, visited museums of all kinds, and sat in on a university class. As of now, it is the countdown to make Tanzania last for as long as possible. Every day is an adventure. Tata for now! 

Sending my love from Africa!  Coming home soon!

Jax

The Road Goes Ever On and On.

I hope this is what you all have been waiting for.

As said in The Hobbit…

Gandalf: "All good stories deserve an embellishment. You'll have a tale or two when you come back."

Bilbo Baggins: "…Can you promise that I will come back?"

Gandalf: "No. And if you do… you will not be the same."

Yes, I just quoted Lord of the Rings, but truly, no one can contemplate my love for reading those books right now. There is a slight truth in the journey Bilbo Baggins, a wee hobbit with a sense of adventure about him, took into the truly unknown and uncertain, and in the end, he ended up with more than just riches, but priceless friends, lessons, and memories that lasted him an entire 150 year lifetime.

As your average human being, I fear uncertainty. At some point in our lives, we always ponder where life will take us, and as we dive deeper and deeper into the unknown, our patience grows thinner because life doesn't feel anymore certain than when we first took the leap of faith to live out all the options. In the end, some of us have learned that beyond the point of uncertainty, you have to let God, Faith, Life… whatever you feel like calling it… drive it. I truly love praying for this:  "God, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (the patience to understand them too), The courage [strength] to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference."

Where am I going with this? Well, let me share some life lessons with you.  Upon arriving in Arusha that fateful January 11, 2014, I had no expectations to be mind blown, or to be disappointed. What were you then, you ask? I was simply coasting. I came to my host family as a girl lost in a new world, merely contemplating the life that Tanzania would have for me. Just rule number one: Prepare yourself to adapt. Battle Ready! Now, I write to you on my last day in Arusha. This is the last day I will be spending at my internship, within the city of Arusha, and spending time with my family: Mama Peace, Tini, Eklesia, Baba, Michael, and Rehema.  I was going to wait until the end of my Tanzania trip, but I thought, 'Na, it is fitting to tell them now, under the emotional circumstances.' 

Arusha has given me many things.  Number one…(Haha Numba One)… many new friends and family. I am blessed by God to be placed into a family that teaches me more about a different side of faith than I choose to believe. Well, let me tell you what that means. STOP RUNNING SCARED! Those who know me well, know I worry over the little things, but in the Bible it states, "there is a time to keep, and a time to cast away." For example, even you who sit in the back of the church so comfortably listening to the pastor and mouthing the words to worship songs, God wants to see you dance, to let go of all the things that hold you back from letting loose and worship, even if you can't sing, or dance. God wants you to feel comfortable around him and not worry about what those around you might think. I completely testify making yourself uncomfortable teaches you more about yourself than maybe you wanted to know. 

Look, I am not a person that sits in the church like my Mama Peace and cries AMEN to everything, but I wonder at times why I am not? I just don't like to? Am I afraid that people will hear? I will tell you that something like this is good practice for when we are outside of church. I don't want people to believe that God is merely some sort of money bank and wish-granter because he is more than that. We can say we are blessed, but truly, the connotation should be that we are thankful, and in moments outside of church, when God blesses you with kindness, with breath, with money, with food, with a job, whatever, that is the moment to truly say AMEN Jesus, I praise you. As hypocritical as it might sound, I don't think I will return being that "AMEN" singing lady in church, but more of as a reminder that I must practice what I preach by praising God not only in church, but outside it. Only by action can I say I have learned such things of Faith.

Number two… Arusha has given me much to see. Sure, it might be polluting the air and dangerous in places, but it is not as dangerous as people say it is. It is easy enough to say that no matter where you go in the world, even to New York, you have to be aware always. I cannot reiterate that enough. It is easy to sit on our high horses and say that we are more civilized than most Africans, but let me tell you a little parable. A thief and a businessman can be both devious and tricky with money. Both can take your money, maybe because they needed more than you were willing to spare, but one is in a suit. Does that mean the one in the suit is more correct than the other? No, thieving isn't easily compared to being a businessman, but taking money without permission still isn't OK.  And no, not all business people are devious (for my business major friends out there), but think about it. I imagine some people have met some pretty devious businessmen trying to trick you out of your money for their own personal gain, while a thief steals for his personal gain. Culture is not as civilized as we think, no matter how sophisticated we think we are.  The people of Arusha are people you won't meet anywhere else in the world. It is a system here that is a rare find. It is a culture you will never know until you allow yourself to live it.

Number three… I can officially say I had a job in a foreign country. Honestly, I can't say that I loved doing office work, but I built a greater network in the world simply because I decided to look forward to every moment. I worked with donkeys that weren't treated fairly, were malnourished, and uncared for. I visited dogs that were more cared for than some Africans would have thought practical, and I taught over 150 kids of many ages about animal welfare just to watch them smile. I have met some pretty down to earth people in this job, and yeah, work ethic may not be like it is in America here in Tanzania, but I am not here to tell them their culture needs to change. There is some value to teach us in being different.

Lastly, being in Arusha has given me a whole set of courage, like Bilbo Baggins, that I have never had before, and I am going to keep this short and simple. I get on a daladala. I have to use Swahili to tell the conductor where I am going. He forgets I am stopping there, and the daladala passes my stop. Whether I shout, or simply tap him on the shoulder to let me off, I am going to get out of that daladala, and I am going to get to my destination when time allows me to get there. Life isn't always as simple as that. We most certainly can't be late for work, but sometimes in life, we get there when we get there, and it is OK to allow yourself to squeeze in a little chuckle to yourself saying, 'Ha! I have to walk a few more feet than I originally intended."

I will miss my family so much. Each and every one of them has taught me one little thing, whether it is Tini and Ekle teaching me to have patience with children, whether it is Mama teaching me to be a 'Hebrew' and letting God worry about your fears, or Rehema teaching me to smile big when facing adversity. I wish I could describe them all in greater detail because all of you should know them, but I will say the one thing I wanted to do when I got to Tanzania was make new relationships that I could count on to last a lifetime, or to build a new sense of family on the other side of the world. Folks, I did exactly that, and there is nothing I have regretted not doing in Arusha.

Sending love from Africa,

Jax 

P.S. We are going away to a Chaga village for a week without Wifi, so don't wait up!