"There is a God, and I am not him."

Day 15...

Much of today was spent at the office picking up the damage from the vehicle accident. $22,000 worth of equipment in the back of the truck and only a few plastic boxes needed to be replaced and an autoclave. All in all, we have the equipment we need to do God's work on two of our last days of clinics. A big question has been where the prevalence of God has been in Byron's situation, and within the pictures of the wreckage, the remains testify that God was there. The passenger's and driver's doors, despite the destroyed crumple of metal everywhere else, came out unscathed in the wreckage, allowing Byron and David to escape safely.

It has been a catastrophic month for everyone. Our team has been flexible and understanding, while bringing laughter and energy to where it is needed to comfort. The team was brought together tonight to discuss the effects of these recent events the past month, and each team member had something interesting to say. The movie, Rudy, was quoted as we attempted to contemplate why bad things happen.  In the scene where Rudy talks with the priest to find answers to his consecutive failures, the priest says this, "After studying God and religion for 30 years, I know two facts. There is a God, and I am not him." We may not truly understand why things happen as they do, but as a result, we have bonded with each other and the Guatemalans over such crucial times. We discussed the hardships of seeing someone else changed because of such a catastrophic moment. Now, it is the "before that time" and "after that time" in someone's life, and now, it will always be watching a person change living with guilt, or pain after. Now, it will always be "after the accident," and knowing that person will never fully be the person "before the accident." 

I listened to how confusing it is to comfort and empathize with people. We want to be authentic and genuine with our words, while giving the space that is needed. I remember what it is like to lose someone, and all I could remember that helped was people bringing smiles and laughter. It is more than enough to simply smile and laugh. It brings joy. It brings patience. It brings love to a void that needs to be filled. There may not always be a clear answer when it comes to comforting someone, but know that a smile is more than enough.  

Lastly, the Guatemalans have been so gracious and humble with their standards. The book of Job was referenced, as it seems that the faith of the Guatemalans is truly tested in this time. They truly take the cards they are dealt and play them. As a Christian, I question how I would react if my faith was tested. Even if I wasn't a Christian, I would ask how I would react if my faith in the world was tested.

Today, I still might not say I've been through hardship like many others have, but at the same time, I've been through difficult times that have made me question me. My faith in myself, in humanity, or in God have been tested. So far, this journey is becoming clearer and clearer as to why I may be here. It is not as clear in words, but in my heart I am beginning to feel a peace. In my mind, I am beginning to feel how life has pieced itself together up to this moment. As suggested in the book "Eat, Pray, Love," I feel a smile being introduced into my liver as I gain all that I can in my last 10 days here in Guatemala, but prepare a way for my life back in the states. I hope all my readers could take a piece of this clarity. We may not have all the answers in life, but we begin chapters that help us to become who we need to be tomorrow. We start eating healthier, meditating more, reaching out, and focusing our eyes on what we need to do at that moment. Just like the Guatemalans, life is taken in stride with whatever cards we are dealt, and although we may not be the person tomorrow as we are today, maybe we don't need to be. 

Shalom.